Monday, June 29, 2009

My Lawn Has Never Been Greener

I just mowed my lawn. The yard smells like I just slaughtered the Jolly Green Giant.

A few comments about the NHL Draft:

How lame was TSN's choreography of this one? Brian Burke, mic'd up? Did TSN (which is Toronto-centric) do this just to pique the interest of a lagging Maple Laff fanbase? And when they delivered the goods, it was Burke mumbling something to some GM somewhere about how someone tried to hose him out of Luke Schenn.

Also, note that there was not one MENTION of the Bruins throughtout the telecast of the draft until about 10:15pm. Best team in the league last year, with awards won by 4 people, and nothing. I didn't even see them in the background of any shots - just a whole bunch of NY Rangers and NY Islanders. (Seriously, are there any Rangers fans left?) And I was really curious to see if Peter Chiarelli had parlayed my season ticket payments into a new pair of hipster-framed glasses.

Here hopes that ex-Bruin and current Harvard Crimson hockey coach Ted Donato tortures Montreal Canadiens' 1st-round pick Louis LeBlanc so he quits. Surely Harvard alums Don Sweeney and Peter Chiarelli can make this happen.

While watching the draft, I noted that other teams' GMs would say hello to the fans gathered at some team-sponsored party at a local watering hole. I don't think the Bruins hosted any party, did they? WTF?

Garth Snow & the New York Islanders, trading something like 3 or 4 picks to the Wild, just to move up, what, 4 spots? I think that's an even bigger WTF.

The Flyers, with the addition of Pronger, got 150% douchier.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Kessel For Kaberle - I don't think so...

The hot rumor today is Kessel for Kaberle. First, the Leafs were going to give up Kaberle AND their 7th overall draft selection for the rights to Kessel?!?! Bob McKenzie, I expect better from you. Later he recanted and said the Bruins offered Kessel and one of THEIR picks. This makes more sense, but i still think it’s bogus.

For the sake of argument, let’s assume Tuukka and Sobotka are on the roster to start the season. That leaves the Bruins with 10 forwards, 5 d-men, and 2 goalies for a total of nearly $50M on the nose – if you don’t count bonuses (go here for that info). That means they have $6.8M to spend on Kessel, Hunwick, and Bitz. For this to work, Kessel would have to accept what Krejci got, which is what the B’s are probably offering. Goal-scorers are hard to come by and Kessel’s people probably want him to test the market so he is planning to enter the restricted free agency period as a Bruin. The Bruins may be shopping him and leaking this stuff to the press as a bargaining chip to try and get him signed before July 1. That’s all I see today’s reports as – a PR stunt and maybe a diversionary tactic.

Now, Chuck Kobasew has two years remaining on a deal that comes with a cap hit of $2.33M. This is cap-friendly and makes him a very tradeable asset. If the Bruins were to replace Chucky with Mikko Lehtonen (cap hit $600K with $200K bonus) for example, this would free up $1.5M. Now all of the sudden you have over $8M to sign Kessel, Hunwick, and Bitz. This should be enough and you have your 2009-10 Bruins. There is also the possibility of going out and making a Yelle-type signing like they did last year to fill that 4th line instead of Mikko.

I think they would trade Chucky to a team in the West to move up in the first round and snag a D-man.

That’s my speculation today – we’ll see how it pans out. This has the potential to be a very exciting draft because of the deals that might be made involving established NHLers.

“Deke, Deke, Deke!!!” will officially never be heard from 311 again if these rumors are true. No one wants that to happen.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Section 311 Glossary...From "The Hat"

So, another esteemed member of 311, lovingly referred to as "The Hat", has decided to spice things up with a little glossary of all things 311. Enjoy!

Section 311 Glossary

Rickets – 18th century/Third World disease that made a comeback last season in Boston. Symptoms include weak bones, terrible skating. (often coupled with “Confederate flag hockey”)

Grizz, The – Life-giving substance found in the lower lip of most folks in Section 311.

J-Crew Crew – Random business-casual-clad chumps that show up at the game mid-way through the 2nd period who drink Coronas and have no clue about the game.

Whaler Fans – The most pathetic subset of the human species alive today. For those who dare to observe this species in its natural habitat (their mom’s basement), “pathetic” only begins to describe this group of people.

Confederate Flag Hockey – Suckass Hockey Teams south of Washington, D.C.

“…jumping into the loge” – Idle threat usually said by frustrated members of the section. (IE- If we lost to Phoenix I am jumping into the loge. If Hal Gill ever wins a Cup I am jumping into the loge...wait a second...)

Bitz, Byron – Best hockey player alive. Bitz…Orr…both have 1 syllable. You do the math. Most members of 311 can be seen wearing "We Want Bitz" shirts. Also, in the infamous 2 goal Bitz game, Section 311 began the "We Want Bitz" Chant to get him back on the ice for the hat trick. Enough Said.

“Roll tha Dice, SHARELLI” – The Mayor’s request for a trade or two before the deadline. (Mayor was seen screaming at the GM and #8 this request while making the Seth Rogen, "roll the dice" motion)

Dropping mud – Section 311 pastime.

Wh*re – Zack Parise’s mom

Ward, Cam – Overrated-ass goalie who, by just standing there, makes saves and everyone thinks he’s hot sh*t.

Ward, Aaron – Chatty Bruins defenseman who blocks shots, plays through pain, never shuts up.

CPR Dummy – The object of Row 12’s affection. “…what your interests are…who you BEEEE with…what makes you smile….what numbers to dial…”

“Mrs. Savard” – she sits next to us.

Mowers, Mark – Dave Lewis’ favorite player when he was coach; Row 12’s archenemy.

Cload – Current Bruins coach

Montador, Steve – ex?-Bruins defenseman, who, in his short time in Boston, stopped more shots with his face than Allen Pedersen did with his body in his whole career.

Ruh-NAY – The only person on the planet good enough to sing the National Anthem.

“HORRIBLE” – Favorite adjective of the Mayor, usually yelled at jet-takeoff volume. (usually hurled at an on ice official…Hey Ref-That call was HORRIBLE)

Gill, Hal – Suckass, slow-ass, ex-Bruins defenseman. There’s nothing like coming to your hometown and being welcomed by a “Hal Gill Sucks!” chant.

Ice Meat – the Ice Girls

Scally Cap Crew – Section 309, Row 14. They mug for the camera, and occasionally mug those sitting nearby. Fraternal brothers of Section 311.

Kovalev, Alex – Captain of the Diving Team. “ne plongez pas”

Tucking it In – Strong inclination of French-Canadian players to tuck in their jerseys into only one side of their hockey pants

Nacho – Bruins/NESN rinkside reporter

Piss-break – Section 311-er who uses the bathroom a lot during games

Quinzee Steve – There are no words.

Sully’s – where the Mayor, et al. can be found warming up before the games.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Draft Preview...From the Minnesota Kid

2009 Draft Preview

Round 1 – Pick #25
Speculation in today’s Globe is that they may move up to target a local kid. I don’t believe it for a second. Apparently KPD thinks Mike O’Connell is still the Bruins GM. Next he’ll report that the Bruins are going to trade their first rounder to acquire the services of Tommy Fitzgerald behind the bench. These are Chiarelli’s Bruins. Come on. My guess is, if they trade up, it would be for a D-man.

Round 2 – No Pick
This pick was given to the Islanders conditionally for Petteri Nokelainen. Eventually Nokes turned into Steve “Punching Bag” Montador. Though this was mildly entertaining in section 311, I’d rather have this 2nd round pick in the draft. If Nokelainen eventually blossoms into something more than a grinding 4th liner I’ll be proved wrong for the 897th time. I said good riddance at the deadline and I still don’t regret losing Nokes.

Round 3 – Pick #86

Round 4 – Pick #112
This pick was acquired from Philly for Andrew Alberts. Everyone was heaping praise on Philly for making this deal. He might have been a fit for them, but i don’t think he was going to work out in the spoked ‘B’. I hate to say it too because he’s a Minnesota boy.

Round 4 – No Pick
This pick went to the Wild as a leftover of the Manny Fernandez deal. Manny, we hardly knew ya.

Round 5 – No Pick
This pick went to the Coyotes for Alex Auld. It ended up in the Sens hands for the draft.

Round 6 – Pick #175

Round 7 – Pick #205
The Bruins only have 5 draft picks – maybe they’ll move someone to free up some cap room and acquire some more picks/prospects or move up.

Here’s hoping that the Savard rumors aren’t true. I love watching him pass the puck – especially up in the nosebleeds where we sit. I still think Kobasew may be moved to free up cap room. We’ll know a lot more this weekend.

Note to Chiarelli: extend Stuart and Looch now instead of waiting until next year – and use Blake Wheeler for trade bait!!!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Todays Unrestricted Free Agent of the Day...Steve "The Punching Bag" Montador

Here's a look back to the regular season...

After we ended up with "Monty" after the trade deadline, the boys in 311 started learning some things about him.

#1- At any given moment he thought he was Bobby Orr.

#2- He was not afraid to stop pucks with his face, or punches for that matter.

#3- Although always willing, he just couldn't fight. He was HORRIBLE.

So after a few drinks, and some interesting research. We decided to try and determine his lifetime record in fights. Here goes...

According to

10/17/08: loses to Joe Thornton
11/5/08: loses to Cam Janssen
11/21/08: loses to Brad Winchester
11/22/08: loses to Steve Ott
12/1/08: loses to Cammi Granato
12/10/08: beats B.J. Crombeen in a lame fight:
12/16/08: loses to Aaron Voros
1/2/09: loses to Josh Gratton
1/17/09: loses to Owen Nolan (age: 52)
1/31/09: loses to Cody McLeod (McLeod has only 1 arm)
2/2/09: loses to Craig Rivet
2/7/09: loses to Cory Sarich. Actually, no winner declared, but let's just assume he lost.
3/28/09: loses to Luke Schenn (age: 16)
3/29/09: loses to Dan Carcillo
11/2/07: loses to Adam Mair
1/3/08: loses to Tim Jackman
1/15/08: loses to Manon Rheaume
1/13/08: loses to Ian Laperriere (actually, it's a draw, but it's more fun if he loses)
2/21/08: loses to JEREMY REICH. The Mayor seen screaming his head off in the background of the youtube clip. (note to reader- Reich will always be loved by the Mayor after the dreadful post lockout season. Including a letter written to Jacobs that Reicher was the only one with heart on the entire Bruins team)
3/8/08: loses to Chris Thorburn. I kid you not, he lost all 9 fights in '06-'07 season .
1 fight in '05-'06, no details.
Won 2 out of 8 fights in '03-'04.
One of those fight wins was against Wayne Primeau.
10 fights in '02-'03. no decisions given, but let me summarize them up according to the pattern seen above: "Montador gets the piss beaten out of him. Linesman steps in to save his ass."
1 fight in '01-'02. Dave Scatchard.
Also took on Brad Isbista in the preseason.
This guy loves to get beaten up by Bruins has-beens.
Anyone who was 6' 4", could walk & chew gum at the same time was signed to multi-million, multi-year deals...then shipped out when it was discovered what hacks they were. Evgeni Ryabchikov.

This puts Monty's career record at approximately 3-42-0.

With this data at end, and Monty's uncanny ability to try and be the great #4, let's just say a signing in the offseason by the B's is unlikely.

But hey-stranger things have happened...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Boston Sports Fans...From Row 12

Couldn't agree more with the Mayor on parts of his last argument. Hockey fans are undoubtedly the greatest fans of any sport in this town. He's also correct in his statement that the Winter Classic, if awarded to the Bruins should not be held at Fenway.

Fenway Park is a majestic facility where childhood dreams are made and come true every summer. It is certainly out dated and cramped. The ownership group of the Red Sox has done wonders restoring and improving the park and I commend them for it. However, winter as the Mayor states, is a problem. The Mayor may be a big guy, but almost everyone now-a-days is a big guy compared to when they built the place in 1912 and when rebuilt after the fire in 1926. I haven't been to a Red Sox game since Marathon Monday 2005 for the lack of necessary comfort that is needed for a 2 and 1/2 hour game (Never mind if Dice-K is pitching, I might have to be backboarded out of the place).

This though is the portion where I disagree with Mr. Mayor. Gillette Stadium? Really? Remember this is coming from a guy who lives 4 exits north on I-495 from Gillette, a 12.8 mile drive door to door. Gillette is HUGE. Ever been to the 300 sections? It's like watching football from the Mir Space Station. You need binoculars to see the 6 foot long numbers on the field. And take a guess where our seats might be for that game. If you're thinking "No No they wouldn't possibly do that to the season ticket holders", you're dead wrong. They're going to sit us in the furthest possible seats as to ramp the prices of anything that closely resembles approaching being in the Earth's atmosphere. They would probably offer an upgrade to a limited number of season ticket holders for three times our face value. A hockey rink is roughly one third to one half the size of the football field (17,000 sq ft to 45,000). Looking for a 3" in diameter disc. Good luck seeing that from God's living room. So I have three nominees for consideration to replace Gillette.

#1 - Nickerson Field, Boston University. I needed 3 nominees, 2 just sounded stupid. Nickerson still holds 21,000 Terrier faithful (to field hockey or soccer I guess?). It doesn't get used for much anymore I don't think and it's within the city limits. So why not?

#2 - Alumni Stadium, Boston College. A capacity for 44,500. No worries about parking, easy MBTA access, Immaculate facility. They know what they're doing in Chestnut Hill, BCPD can handle an event this size, so can the EMS (cough cough). The only problem I foresee is that BC usually puts up a Bubble on the field during the winter for practices and so forth. If the NHL/Bruins gave them enough of an incentive, the money hungry Catholics just might take them up on it.

#3 - Harvard Stadium, Harvard University. A near Gillette capacity, 57,166. Concrete seats, not individualized. So what, it's a beautiful place, 5 miles from the Garden. Can't see why they wouldn't have it here. It's my #1 pick. 95% says if the Bruins get the game, it'll be at Fenway whether we like it or not. Gillette is not a bad alternative, I just think the remote location and over all giganticness of the Kraft's pad is too much for the B's faithful. I'm sticking with Harvard for the proximity, history, and just for the hell of it. Because someones gotta argue with the mayor, right?

As Always, Let's Go the Bruins...

Hockey Fans Vs. Baseball Fans (and winter classic)..From the Mayor...

So the other night myself and another unnamed 311 cronie take in the Red Sox game at Fenway. The 500th consecutive sellout. Great time. However, we made a startling observation which shows again why hockey fans are the most intelligent/greatest fans in sports.

So you are at the Garden for a B's game. You've had a couple cold ones. Nature calls. The whistle sounds, you look down to the TV timeout light. It goes on. You book it to the bathroom with all the other fans and book it back. You don't miss a play.

Now you are at Fenway. Inning ends. People leisurely stroll to the bathroom, no urgency. You are stuck behind them. You get back. You've missed an inning and a half. God forbid you grab a beer, you are in it for the long haul. Not to mention, I am convinced that people who make a serious effort to get sauced at the Sox games, miss 7 innings of the game. Someone prove me wrong. At a B's game, you can get a highball, beer, hot dog and go the bathroom, and not miss a thing. If you go to the right lines at the right time...

Back to the Winter Classic. I love the Bruins. Fenway is historic. Fenway is memorable. Fenway is nostalgic. Etc. However, somebody explain to me how 39,000 fans, outfitted in 12 layers of clothing to beat the January 1st cold, are going to fit in those seats? I"m a pretty big guy. For a Sox game at Fenway, with other normal sized people in your row, you can't fit. It's uncomfortable. Even if you love Fenway, you have to admit that.

And 39,000 fans in Foxboro style gear are going to fit in those seats? Get real.

Not to mention. No tailgating at Fenway. Enough said.

You can all disagree with me. But the Winter Classic should be at Foxboro, not Fenway.

Go B's.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

NHL Awards Review...From Row 12...

Worst Musical Act Award- Chaka Khan (and her Cabana Boy) I understand Bettman's fascination with Denis Leary, he's in love with him, so over it. But I had no idea he was that much of a tool to bring in Chaka Khan. And who opens an awards show with a musical act? Just weird. And if that wasn't bad enough, she comes back what the hell is this League thinking. Cause everybody knows us blood-thirsty hockey fans love us some Chaka.

Most Mediocre time filler- Comedian Gerry Dee. This tool-shed is filmed interviewing past and presents. Stupid, waste of time, or so I thought. Awful comedy is hard to watch anytime, however it becomes mediocre as players give this guy crap right back. Lafontaine makes him look like an idiot and he tries to comically play it off without success. He taunts Stan Mikita about a helmet or something and how he didn't get any dates because he wore the helmet. The (probably Alzheimers ridden) Old Coot comes up with "Have you looked in a mirror?". Comic gold. The only good thing about this guy is he prevented one more Chaka performance.

Worst attempt at a joke to warm up the crowd- Glenn Anderson. This clown is there to present the King Clancy Memorial Trophy which is to be given to the NHLer who "best exemplifies leadership qualities on and off the ice and who has made a significant humanitarian contribution to his community". The moron quips "Ah..We are at the NHL Awards right? For a minute there I thought I was down the block at the Russian awards". Crickets.. crickets.

Worst Winner- Pavel Datsyuk What the did he even say? Even Ovechkin ranks on him and Malkin for their english. Gee fellas maybe it's time for the ol' ESL class down the road. Pretty sure you can afford that, but if not you can move to Massachusetts and I'm sure Deval will find a way to screw me out of my money to get you in a class at Mass Bay or Massasoit

Biggest Suprise Presenter- Anthony Cruz. This guy wins a contest to present an award with Roenick and I'm like "Ok they're starting to reach here 20 minutes into the show". I'm really expecting a beauty to pop out on stage with Roenick. And behold the 6 foot tall, Husky, Asian, Spectacled, Virgin (the last one is just a guess) that walks out. Thought I had seen everything, I was wrong.

Strangest looking Attendee- Pat Burns. Bring back the 'stache! Roll the dice Burnsy, bring it back!

Separated At Birth?- Mark Messier and RoboCop (Peter Weller)

Worst Acceptance Speech- Zdeno Chara. Close call because I couldn't understand a word that came out of Datsyuk's mouth TWICE. However Chara pulls it out because it just wouldn't friggin end. I clocked it a a whopping 3:10. Though I was distracted twice during the speech. 1st Mike Green dressed like a total idiot and cut his hair like he's going on tour with My Chemical Romance or some other crap emo band. 2nd Z's wife is smokin ass hot, and she just dropped a kid. Way to go Z, just shorten the speech up next year.

Awards show MVP- Timmy Thomas. He was brilliant, accepting the award for he and Manny ran a little long and Manny barely got a word in edgewise. Though I thought the almost 3:1 ratio for time pretty much summed up our goaltending "duo". Best line of the night though was when Timmy asked Manny if he should thank his wife too, brilliant. I'm not a mushy guy but I'll admit I got a little froggy when Timmy barely made it through the Vezina speech. Nice to see someone finally get the credit they deserve.

What a piece of crap that whole thing was overall. Can't believe I'll never get that part of my life back. Thanks again Gary Bettman for being a complete and utter tool. Goodnight everyone!