Monday, January 25, 2010

Bruins Suckage Conspiracy Theories

The Bruins have hit bottom and have begun to dig after last night's 5-1 lost to the Hurricanes.

Section from 311 offers some theories on what's going on.

  1. P.J. Axelsson was the glue that held this team together. Apparently, Axelsson was a much-loved teammate, a true "locker room guy", according to sources I don't have. Apparently, P.J. along with Aaron Ward and Stephane Yelle, were the pectin that made this team gel so impressively last year.
  2. Patrice Bergeron is a locker room prima donna. Based on absolutely no sources, perhaps Bergeron's constant injuries and mincing french-ness has destroyed the personality of the team.
  3. The Curse of Steve Begin. Begin's last 3 teams (Bruins, Stars, Habs), he has absolutely destroyed them somehow.
  4. HAARP. Long suspected as being a weather/mind control device by conspiracy nuts, maybe they're experimenting on the Bruins via this huge antenna array in Alaska.
  5. Curse of the Winter Classic. The B's are 2-8-1 since the Winter Classic. I have no additional supporting data.
  6. Marc Savard is a chatty bitch. Savvy's constant chatter on the rink to his teammates and media-whore existence has gotten under the team's nerves. His sneaky, two-handed slashes to the backs of opponents' knees have alarmed his teammates.
  7. Team is fat, dumb, and happy after signing large contracts. Savvy, Lootch, Wideman, Thomas, etc. all received nice contracts during/after last year's regular season dominance.
  8. The Illuminati/Bilderberg Group. Jeremy Jacobs wants your soul/money to fund the machinations of these two entities.
  9. Brett Favre. The Bruins are just like kids out there, having fun like they're in their backyard, just gunslingin' ...and turning it over, yielding stomach-punch results.
  10. Caveman Weak. Sign Mark Stuart, and everything will be in it's right place.

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